Great expectations

The truth is that I've been really really depressed.
Somewhere in all the stress of beloved husband's finals and our relocation, Daughter two's refusal to sleep and events with my mil I fell down without noticing.  And because I hadn't noticed I couldn't start to get up.

I became someone I didn't like, I was grumpy, snappy.  Everything was too hard, everything made me sadder.  And I didn't even understand what was wrong.  Which in retrospect I should have done, because I've felt like it before- but before was before husband, before children- I had reasons to be sad then, but no excuse now.  That's how I felt.

Sometime before Christmas I realised that I was depressed- I was stupidly ridiculously depressed and felt ashamed- ashamed I hadn't noticed and had been so useless to my husband and children, ashamed that I had become depressed when I had no right to be.  Ashamed most of all that I hadn't even noticed how bad it got.

It was anxiety more than depression even, the constant worry about practical issues, and more than that, an existential crisis.  I had my 10 year highschool reunion last summer.  Before I hand I worried people would think I was wasting my life now, after I worried if I wasted my twenties!  I'm a sahm and I don't feel like I'm all that good at it-  I can't clean, I'm disorganised and as much as I love my girls the day in day out emotional pressure can be a little much at times.

So I got help- I went to my GP, started on some anti-d's that had worked the last time I felt this low.  And it is helping.

Then I looked at the reasons that I was unhappy- the biggest one was that I was lonely, so I started trying to be a better friend- I wrote to some people, I called some people.  And that really helped.  Now I have a little itty bit of a social life.

And that helped a lot- I started remembering the feeling of being myself.

But I was still beating myself up about existential stuff- wasting my life and education, not supporting my family enough, by staying at home.

Last week I had a phone date as part of my better friending exploits with one of the most together people I know- she is awesome and one of my all time favourite people, Michka.  This is her blog post about that conversation.

As I read it  late last night my first thought was that I'd had no idea how hard she was finding things and wanting to help her.  My second was that I actually gave her really good advice- really good advice that I  need to take myself.

I've spent the last week panicking that I'm some kind of failure who's not living up to their potential because I don't have a masters, or a PhD, or a professional career.  When I should have been focusing on my writing and my family, those are the things that really matter to me.

Sometimes I think the only thing you need to know to be truly happy is let go of what you think you ought to do.