Great expectations

The truth is that I've been really really depressed.
Somewhere in all the stress of beloved husband's finals and our relocation, Daughter two's refusal to sleep and events with my mil I fell down without noticing.  And because I hadn't noticed I couldn't start to get up.

I became someone I didn't like, I was grumpy, snappy.  Everything was too hard, everything made me sadder.  And I didn't even understand what was wrong.  Which in retrospect I should have done, because I've felt like it before- but before was before husband, before children- I had reasons to be sad then, but no excuse now.  That's how I felt.

Sometime before Christmas I realised that I was depressed- I was stupidly ridiculously depressed and felt ashamed- ashamed I hadn't noticed and had been so useless to my husband and children, ashamed that I had become depressed when I had no right to be.  Ashamed most of all that I hadn't even noticed how bad it got.

It was anxiety more than depression even, the constant worry about practical issues, and more than that, an existential crisis.  I had my 10 year highschool reunion last summer.  Before I hand I worried people would think I was wasting my life now, after I worried if I wasted my twenties!  I'm a sahm and I don't feel like I'm all that good at it-  I can't clean, I'm disorganised and as much as I love my girls the day in day out emotional pressure can be a little much at times.

So I got help- I went to my GP, started on some anti-d's that had worked the last time I felt this low.  And it is helping.

Then I looked at the reasons that I was unhappy- the biggest one was that I was lonely, so I started trying to be a better friend- I wrote to some people, I called some people.  And that really helped.  Now I have a little itty bit of a social life.

And that helped a lot- I started remembering the feeling of being myself.

But I was still beating myself up about existential stuff- wasting my life and education, not supporting my family enough, by staying at home.

Last week I had a phone date as part of my better friending exploits with one of the most together people I know- she is awesome and one of my all time favourite people, Michka.  This is her blog post about that conversation.

As I read it  late last night my first thought was that I'd had no idea how hard she was finding things and wanting to help her.  My second was that I actually gave her really good advice- really good advice that I  need to take myself.

I've spent the last week panicking that I'm some kind of failure who's not living up to their potential because I don't have a masters, or a PhD, or a professional career.  When I should have been focusing on my writing and my family, those are the things that really matter to me.

Sometimes I think the only thing you need to know to be truly happy is let go of what you think you ought to do.

Unhealthy at this size

Healthy at every size works on the basis that you can be healthy however much you weigh, whatever your BMI and fat percentage.
I firmly believe and agree with that idea.
I also think that I am not healthy at the size I am now.  For me this is not healthy.  I am 29  and I weigh about 6 stone more than would be a "healthy" BMI.
I have personal experience with disordered eating.  And healthy at every size and the wondrous bloggers of the HAES network, such as the worshipful Kate Harding at Shapely prose were the beginning of my journey back to healthy (and sane) 6 odd years ago now.
And now I have developed a pretty good relationship with food.  This is important to me because having grown up with one parent with a serious eating disorder (my father) I know just how terrible an impact this can have on children.  The last thing I want is for my children to grow up with food issues because my I have them.
So I've put in serious work, as the americans might say, on getting through those issues.  And it's paid off.  Which is great, but now I want to start to work on the other half of the equation, I want to get healthy.
It's not that I want to loose weight, I want to be able to run, as much as I can with the physical limitations of a dud ankle and a bad back.  I want to be strong and fit and show my girls that everyone can find pleasure in physical activity.

The reason I hated sport as a kid?
Well for one I wasn't that good at... for two I thought it was something for other people- generally the stupid kids were good at sport, and that was nice for them, but I was smart so I didn't need that.  I was such a condescending teenager!

I don't want my girls to think that way- I want them to take joy in movement.  At the moment it seems like they do- they both love dancing!

So I've been exercising, I'm starting light, with 30 minutes of wii fit every other day.  So I'll revisit this in a month or so- see how my excersise regime is working out!

Make a plan!

Part of my journey back to feeling healthy has been getting more organised.
You see its a bit of a vicious circle, you start of thinking that you've not got anything done today, so you're a failure, so why try to get anything done.  Ouroborross.   However the solution to feeling overwhelmed is to break the problem down into smaller tasks, right?  So I've started making a plan.

Now I have a list of tasks to do everyday- the list starts small and includes things that have to be done, as you start to accomplish more you can add more to the list.  I do mine in excel so that I can keep track and it looks nice, but a piece of paper will work just as well!

Doing it in excel has the advantage of enabling me to combine the to-do list with menu planning; we're on a post-christmas budget and the best way to cut my spending is to menu plan!  By keeping it in excel I can check back on what we've eaten over the previous weeks and ensure variety, use leftovers efficiently and save links to recipes I want to try.  

Having it all laid out in front of me makes it easy to think about other commitments and incorporate them into my menu planning too.  For example on Tuesdays me and my husband have a regularly board gaming club, which means we need something fast for dinner.

When you have two little children who go to bed right before supper-time "something fast" means cook in advance!  So tonight we're having a lovely pot roast!  Which I cooked yesterday and to make dinner time go even more smoothly I even prepared the side dishes in advance- they were on my to do list yesterday!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

At least I hope so; I'm back!

So it's been a little while since I posted, for a couple of reasons.
I've been feeling a bit down, which is never good.  I'm not really sure why I've felt down.  After a ridiculously stressful year things were just starting to turn the corner when I started feeling down.  And then it's been Christmas and new year and all kinds of busy things liek that.

Now, I'm starting to feel better.  I've struggled with depression for most of my life, and having the last couple of years off from it meant that I didn't really notice until I was swamped by it.

So I'm back and this week will be posting a bit about what I have been doing for the last couple of months and the exciting projects I'm working on now!